Who's Running the Show? You Might be Surprised.

By Fred Bruning

April 13, 2025

A reader identifying as “Submissive Husband” contacts the newspaper advice columnist R. Eric Thomas (“Asking Eric”) for guidance on a unique personal issue and in so doing reminds us that the long list of life’s mysteries expands unabated, in case you hoped otherwise.

Turns out, the fellow was seeking FLR counsel and not sure where to turn for help.

This had nothing to do with any of the prominent three-letter combos – sturdy acronyms – that attend modern existence.

The man was not inquiring, for instance, how to score the best deal on an SUV, program the blasted DVR, contend with lines at the DMV, find parking at JFK, complain to a CEO about wealth distribution, convert a JPG to PDF or even duck the FBI should, despite your innocence as swindler or bank robber, the feds come knocking at the door.

It was in the domain of love and romance that the letter writer sought insight.

“Submissive” – sadly, a widower – had been without a partner for more than two years and was ready to step out again.

Not such an unusual situation.

You know, ok, head to the 40-and-over singles night at the fancy steakhouse. Take a cruise, that’s supposed to work. Try that crazy speed-dating thing where people interview each other for maybe three minutes and then, say, “next.” Go old school, sit at a bar, wait for someone appealing to take up a stool, send over a mojito, and see where things go from there.

Nope, not that easy because the letter writer in this case is a fellow interested only in FLR – Female-led Relationships.

All right, pipe down, you guys, roaring with laughter and slapping each other on the backs and blabbing, “Female-led relationships? Is there any other kind, have you ever met my wife?” Bad form – and sure to put you at serious disadvantage when the whole thing gets discussed upon returning home.

I am a reasonably liberated person who believes people are entitled to their preferences when it comes to matters of the heart. Unknown to me, though, was the emergence of an FLR movement – what, looks like, you know, another full-fledged thing.

“Relationships can be hard, there's no denying it,” says an article in the British version of Cosmopolitan magazine. “…Well, some individuals think female-led relationships are the key.”

Evidently, there are various FLR levels – low, moderate “defined control” and finally “extreme control” which may involve certain bedroom practices like bondage and humiliation that, while interesting, are apt to strike the older person as imprudent and surely inconvenient.

In some ways, the FLR idea likely is reaction to the absurd belief that men still call the shots and have a deep need to be in charge.

“As far as traditional gender norms go in the nuclear family, men are the breadwinners and dominant force in the relationship, while women are the homemakers and submissive,” says a psychological counseling website. “But what happens when this dynamic flips on its head?”

Yoo-hoo, psychological counselors, here’s news:

Without notice, many in the male demographic long ago abandoned supremacy as a workable strategy.

Being top gun involves way too much responsibility and is apt to get you in big trouble if, for instance, you said, no, forget the map, I’ve got this covered, only to end up a few hours later in Bridgeport, Connecticut instead of Pemberton, New Jersey.

I see that with a lot of our friends, the woman is driving the car, playing general contractor on renovations and issuing non-negotiable vacation destinations.

“Japan,” said one fellow recently. “Her idea.”

Let’s get back to “Submissive Husband” and “Asking Eric.”

Eric’s advice was simple and straight-forward for the lovelorn male seeking a take-charge woman.

Go to an FLR app like “Chyrpe” (pronounced something like “sheep-ra,” French, mais oui!). Exercise caution when meeting new people. Be clear about “what you want.” Review the “safety procedures” of any site – most relevant, no doubt, for the “extreme control” crowd.

I am thinking now about my father, who, a million years ago, would sometimes wear one of my mother’s aprons and do the dusting and cooking. (Some sight. Fred Sr., a truck driver, was a husky fellow with arms like a bear.)

Did this mean he was early to FLR or just a good guy who knew there was no point pulling rank in marriage?

They had a balanced arrangement, Mom and Dad, so far as I could tell. No leader or follower, equal partners, all for one, one for all.

Hey, whatever works.

Previous Invisible Ink posts at: https://fredbruning.substack.com/archive